Newest Clean Jokes

Below are the 30 most recent clean jokes added to the site. All these links open in a new tab so you don't lose this page.

Buy That Ballerina A Drink

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless Sundress, walked into a bar in Dublin, Ireland. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, “What man here will buy a woman a drink?” The bar went silent as the patrons tried to…
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3 Whiskeys Please

Every year on new years eve Paddy goes to his local pub and orders 3 whiskeys and asks the barman to line them up for him. Once on the bar, he quickly downs the three whiskeys and leaves. After about three years of this happening the landlord asks him why he does it as he…
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Dwarf Pickpocketed

A dwarf was pick pocketed yesterday just outside the house of commons when on a tour of London. His wallet was stolen containing £100 in cash and a photo of his deceased mother which can not be replaced. The enquiry is ongoing and the chief of police released a statement saying “I don’t know how…
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Match terrorist

Police are looking for a man that has been terrorising the public by waving lit matches at them. They say they want to apprehend this individual before he strikes again.
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Clocks must go back

Wife said to me the other day that ALL the clocks in the house have to go back and I had to deal with it. Don’t mind telling you I’m struggling, I can’t find the receipts for them and have no idea where we bought them.
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Late night lecture

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, “I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.” The…
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OAP Memory test

Three elderly men are at the doctor’s office for a memory test. The doctor asks the first man, “What is three times three?” “274,” came the reply. The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, “It’s your turn. What is three times three?” “Tuesday,” replies the…
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Russian argument

An elderly couple were walking about the streets of their home, Moscow.They each feel drops of moisture on their faces. The man says that it is snowing, but his wife is convinced that it’s raining. Finally, they see General Rudolph walking by, and the woman calls him over to settle the dispute.The general says it’s…
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The Devil in church

One Sunday mornign right in the middle of the vicars sermon the devil appears right in the middle of the altar, immediately the congregation run screaming from the church except one man who remains seated. The devil approaches him and says “Don’t you know who I am?” The man replies “Yes you are the Devil”…
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ONE WAY!

I accidentally drove up a one way street one tme and wouldn’t you know it there was a copper there, he pulled me over and said “Oi where do you think you’re going?” I said ” I don’t know but it can’t be that good they are all coming back”
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Best Circus acts 3

They had great circus acts in years gone by like the fat tattoed lady, now they are everywhere.
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Best Circus acts 2

Sadly one of the worlds most famous contortioniss died last week, the one saving grace is that she died in her own arms.
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Best Circus acts

Did you hear about the incontinent trapeeze artist? He didn’t half used to warm the crowd up.
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Sick Barnsley Cat

A Barnsley lad takes his cat to the vet. He says to the vet ” I’m ere about me cat it’s not well”  The vet said “Is it a tom?” the lad replied “No tha twat I brought it wi me”
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Difficult crosswords

Crosswords are getting too hard, I did one in the paper this morning and one of the clues was; Flightless bird found in Iceland 6 letters then 7 letters The answer was Frozen Chicken
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Bad Government

The other day I was walking through the town centre and saw a man with a tub in front of him and a sign that said “Falklands war verteran please help” I thought to myself that is disgusting, a man that fought for this country and he is reduced to begging what kind of government…
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Scottish shoes

I bought a pair of shoes in Scotland, I took them back to the shop and complained. “Excuse me I bought these this morning and there is only one shoelace.” the assitant said “Did ye read the box? It sais Ti Wan” (say it out loud in a Scottish accent and you will get it.)
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Pub Thief thrown out

A landlord caught a customer stealing a boomerang from the pub wall, caught him with it up his jumper. The landlord threw him out. 78 times.
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How much are pies?

In Trinidad and Tobago, a steak pie will cost you £2.50. In Jamaica, it will cost you £3…..these are the pie rates of the Carribean.
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Thick Bus Conductor

I was on a bus the other day sat up stairs a conductor came up he asked me for my ticket he said where did you get on? I said downstairs you pratt.
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Cross Eyed Judge

Three cross-eyed men came up in front of a cross-eyed judge. The judge said to the first one “what’s your name? The second one said Albert the judge said I wasn’t talking to you, the third one said “I never said anything” then the judge gave the jury three years.
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No 10 Copper

Why is there a policeman outside the prime minister’s house in Downing street? She still manages to get out every day.
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Describe me

A wife is nagging her husband telling him that he never says anything nice about her. After he denies it she says “Go on then say something nice about me right now” He looked at her for a while…then said, “You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.” She asks….. “What…
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Apologies

Why is it when you burp you say pardon but when you fart you laugh?
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Dying in order

Why do all the people in the paper die in alphabetical order?
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Dogs and cars

If you put a dog in the back seat of the car with the window open it sticks its head out so why does it get angry when you blow in it’s face?
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Food

We eat food that is all different colours why does it all come out brown?
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Dentists

If a dentist makes money off people with bad teeth, why would I buy a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
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Scottish Stag

Two Scottish blokes on a sad stag night, best man says what are you wearing tomorrow, groom says a kilt, best man says what’s the tartan, the groom said oh she’s in white. (say it in a Scottish accent and you will get it)
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